


i know it looks like hell (but every obstacle is worth it)

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fighting, Fluff, M/M, Sexual Humor, Valentine's Day Video (Phandom), vday video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22702891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Phil just wanted to give Dan a gift for Valentine's Day. Though, it becomes much more than that.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30
Collections: Phandom Writers Discord 2020 Valentine's Day Gift Exchange





	i know it looks like hell (but every obstacle is worth it)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [counting2fifteen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/gifts).



> Lou! I hope you enjoy this. I've been working real hard on it, so I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Thank you to my lovely betas for looking over this.

**February 2010**

Phil shook his head and nervously wiped his eyes with his hand. He fiddled with the camera to get everything ready and hit record. He sat down in front of the camera and stared into it. Dan was in India, and asleep, so Phil was bored and lonely. There was a five hour time difference between them. So while it was only 9:30 for Phil, it was 3:00 in the morning there. Dan was typically a night owl, but running around in India all day tired him out so Phil made him get off and go to sleep. Especially knowing Dan had to be up in five hours. 

He wanted to do something special for Dan though. Even though they hadn’t really known each other long, there was a lot Phil had to say. But he never could say it to Dan himself. He got choked up and just ended up staring at him like a mad man. Dan found it funny, but Phil found it embarrassing. Dan was much better with words and affection than he was. Phil was more a reserved person, who liked subtle touches and gestures. But with Dan, there wasn’t much of that. 

Dan did the talking for them both when it came to things like this. But only because Dan somehow knew the right words to say, and so Phil went along with it. Although, he wanted to show Dan that, he too, could show what Dan meant to him. Up until now Phil just showed Dan with gestures. Whether it be the way he held Dan when they were alone or the things he did for them. He never really came right out and said he loved Dan. There were a few occasions where he physically said it, but mainly because Dan had said it first. 

Phil took a deep breath and finally looked into the camera, before deciding to back out of it. He turned the camera off quickly and sighed. He would do this before Dan left India. He was there for a couple more days. He could do this. Valentine’s Day was still a couple of days away, he had time. It could just be his Valentine’s gift. Maybe Phil should do something more special since it was their first Valentine’s Day together. Phil wasn’t all that materialistic, so to say. Yes, he liked things, but they didn’t matter much to him. He could go without those. Dan was a bit opposite though. He hoped that Dan would be happy with whatever he could give him. 

Phil yawned and climbed up from the floor, his legs were numb from sitting. He carefully put away his camera and tripod, nearly dropping it. He muttered to himself and rubbed his eyes. Checking his phone he sighed when he saw it was only a few minutes to 10. It felt like an eternity had passed while he sat on the floor. His parents were probably getting ready to head to bed if they already weren’t in their room. His brother had left, and probably wasn’t coming back until tomorrow. A bath could potentially help, but he wasn’t sure. He grabbed a change of clothes and headed into the bathroom. 

Setting his clothes on the counter he grabbed a towel and set it down on the floor, and sat his phone on top of it. He turned the tap on and let the bath fill. Undressing he climbed in and hummed, and closed his eyes. Leaning his head back he couldn’t help but imagine. He was trying to picture how this video would go for Dan. A video to some may seem silly, but it was what brought them together. So, by default almost, it was something that meant a lot to them. 

Picking his phone up, Phil opened his messages with Dan and read through them a bit. He smiled to himself. He couldn’t wait for Dan to come back home, especially since he was coming to Phil’s. Sending Dan a couple of messages for him to wake up to, Phil set his phone down. Trying to relax and enjoy the rest of his bath, he closed his eyes again. 

\- 

It had been a few days since Phil attempted to record this video. He sat on it and desperately tried to figure out a way to do this. He ended up deciding that possibly just talking about moments they had spent together so far. Phil was only gonna mention times that were his favorite though. Surely he would be adding to the list as the years went on. He hoped. But he had written a shortlist to go off of, and he would quickly record the video and send Dan the link to it.

Fixing his hair in the mirror, Phil had decided today would be the day he recorded the video. He wrote down some things that he could say, and kept reading over it all day. His parents were downstairs, so they wouldn’t hear him talking to himself. They knew about YouTube a bit, yeah, but they didn’t entirely know about him and Dan. Phil was suspicious that they were starting to figure it out. He wasn’t entirely worried about it though. 

Even though this was pre planned he was nervous. Phil’s hands were shaking as he turned the camera on and sat in front of it. He looked over his list one more time before taking a deep breath. Looking into the camera, he finally started to talk. 

“Arwf, hi Dan.” He started to say and looked into the camera. “I know you said we weren’t gonna do anything for Valentine’s Day, but…” 

Phil kept talking and smiling. He and Dan weren’t gonna do anything for Valentine’s Day. They had no plans. One because they just were unsure what to do, and, two, Dan was gonna be in India. So, this would be Phil’s solution. Hopefully, Dan wouldn’t be too mad. 

He talked about how nervous he was meeting Dan. Which wasn’t a lie, Phil was a complete mess when he met Dan. He was worried Dan wouldn’t like him back, and that idea scared him. Thankfully, Dan did. Phi mentioned how his heart was pounding and doing that “flippy-over thing” when Dan kissed him on the big wheel. It never had happened before where Phil had a moment like that, so he was happy with that.

Phil talked about how over the next couple of months when they saw each other, he slowly fell in love with Dan. He talked for a couple of minutes. Phil was pouring his heart out a bit in ways he typically didn’t. He mentioned the Halloween party they went to, the endless hours of Skype calls and just how happy Dan made him. 

Ending the video, Phil turned the camera off and took a deep breath and checked the time. He still had a couple of hours until midnight, so he quickly went and edited the awkward silences out of the video. Watching it a couple of times Phil decided to go ahead and post it. He posted it to his side channel, making sure it was unlisted, so no one else could see it. No one needed to see it. It was his gift to Dan, and no one needed to know the private details of their relationship. 

He sent the link to Dan with no context and laid in bed. He stared at the ceiling until his eyes felt heavy and he fell asleep. That night he dreamt of him and Dan. He dreamt of happiness that was tangled in his fingertips. A happiness that wasn’t escaping him. And for once he believed that his happiness wouldn’t disappear one day. 

**_danisnotonfire_ ** :

awrf :’O 

i wasn’t expecting this :):)

this means so much to me :’|

you’ve made me the happiest i’ve ever been in my life Phil, and i want to be with you for as long as you want me to be <3

i love you. 

thankyou :’) 

**_amazingphil:_ **

forever plz

:] <3

Phil stood at the train station waiting for Dan’s train to come. He was finally back from his trip to India and Phil couldn’t wait to see him. He was dying for him to come back so they could just, hang out really. Phil had no concrete plans of what they were going to do if he was honest. Just hang out at his house mainly. His parents were gone for the weekend, so they didn’t have to worry about anything. 

It was funny though, instead of going home he was coming to Phil’s. Even if it was nearly 5 in the morning and Phil was absolutely dysfunctional. There wasn’t a bone in his body that wasn’t tired. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Trains were coming and going, but thankfully it wasn’t that packed. At least not for a couple more hours. Hopefully, by then they would be at Phil’s house and could avoid all of that. 

Almost as if it was on cue, a train pulled up that he thought was Dan’s train. Rubbing his eyes Phil stepped forward slightly. Not that he needed to, he was practically a giant at this point. Dan was too, but he was a bit shorter than Phil still. Which he found adorable. Looking up, Phil heard someone call his name. He saw a tired Dan standing there with a bookbag and suitcase. Dan walked over and let go of the suitcase and wrapped his arms around Phil’s torso. Chuckling, Phil hugged him back and smiled. Dan was warm compared to Phil, he was ice cold as he waited. 

“How was your flight?”

Dan shrugged and let go. “It was alright I guess. There was a kid who started to throw a fit, and then a baby started crying.” 

Phil chuckled and took Dan’s suitcase from him. “Mum and dad are gone for the weekend by the way. I dunno if I told you that or not yet.” 

He shook his head no and yawned himself. 

“C’mon then.” Phil turned and started to walk off and Dan followed him. He wanted to give Dan a kiss hello, hold his hand, even just wrap his arm around him and walk. But he couldn’t in public. Especially not with their fame rising a bit more each day. Possibly one day. But that could take years to achieve. 

They left the train station and waited outside or a taxi to pull up. It was freezing and Dan was shivering. He only had a t-shirt on, why, Phil did not know. Phil looked at him and took his hoodie off and handed it to Dan. He just kind of stared at Phil before taking it from him. 

“Are you sure?” He asked. 

Phil nodded. “Go ahead, I’ll be alright for now.” 

Dan slipped the hoodie on and pulled the hood over his head as well. As the taxi pulled, Phil helped Dan put his things in and then climbed in. Dan followed and in the privacy of the cab, Phil secretly grabbed his hand. It was out of sight for the driver even, just in case. Dan smiled to himself and Phil ran his thumb back and forth on the back of Dan’s hand. 

They sat in silence the entirety of the ride back. One, because they were both tired, but two, there wasn't much to say that could be said in front of another person. Phil was super nervous as well to talk to Dan. It was the first time seeing each other in person after Phil showed Dan the video. They talked a bit about it, but not much since they were so far away. 

Phil knew though that Dan did enjoy it. Dan was quite amazed by it. He had sent Phil the longest text, plus left that comment. Only they could see it, but maybe that is what made it more special. It was their little secret. 

Once they got back to Phil’s, once inside and once the door was shut, Phil kissed Dan. Dan happily kissed him back, he let go of the bag he was carrying and wrapped his arms around his torso. Phil let go of the suitcase handle and held him close and Dan pulled back and laid his head on Phil’s chest and he smiled. Kissing the top of his head, Phil rubbed Dan’s back and they stood there for a moment. 

“Wh - “ Phil started and Dan stepped back and looked at him. Phil awkwardly rubbed the back of his head and laughed nervously. “What did you uh… did... did you like the video?” 

Despite the comment and texts from Dan, Phil worried Dan didn’t like it. That he was just lying, but that isn’t Dan. He was just worried. There was a lot to unpack between them. Dan was fragile, Phil wasn’t. There were many stakes at risk, but Phil didn’t care entirely. Dan didn't want the world to know. Phil did. Dan didn't like the idea of anyone knowing, for now at least. Whenever Phil tried to bring it up, Dan shut the idea down quickly. So Phil quickly learned not to pester about it. 

“I loved it,” Dan said and leaned up and kissed Phil. 

Phil hummed and kissed Dan back. The two stood there and Phil swayed them back and forth just slightly. It was enough for the suitcase to fall over and startle Dan. He jumped slightly and Phil just chuckled and held him close. Dan, however, placed his hand on Phil's chest, pushing him back slightly. Almost immediately Dan reconnected their lips and practically drug Phil backward. 

Phil made a noise but complied. He chuckled but his chuckles were muffled by Dan. Dan took them to the couch, falling back over the arm of the couch and onto the cushions. Phil carefully climbed over and onto Dan and kissed him again. He had one leg placed on each side of Dan, only so he was straddling his lap and not crushing him. They learned that the hard way and Dan wasn't happy about it. 

The two of them couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Well, Dan couldn't. His hands were traveling all over Phil's chest and digging his nails into his back through Phil's shirt. Meanwhile, Phil had his left hand on Dan's cheek and the other keeping himself propped up on the cushion beside Dan's head. 

Phil noticed Dan was slowing down and his hands were practically falling off himself. He assumed that the tiredness of the flight was catching up with him. His theory was proven right when Dan yawned slightly and Phil lifted his head away from Dan and laughed slightly. 

"Maybe you should get some sleep," he said. 

"Sleep can wait..." Dan uttered. 

Phil watched him for a moment and sat up on his lap. He made sure that he was sitting on Dan's thighs. Dan watched him and had a slight pout on his face. Phil looked away since he knew that he would eventually give in and cave and give Dan what he wanted. While he wanted to, they had time. They had two days, three at most, before Phil's parents came back home. Even then it really wouldn't be the first time that they had sex with them in the house. 

He climbed off of Dan and Dan rolled onto his side and watched Phil. 

"Can I at least suck your dick then," Dan asked. 

Phil just snickered and shook his head. "There's plenty of time for that horny bastard." He picked Dan up and had him wrap his legs around Phil's waist. Phil carried him upstairs and Dan buried his face in Phil's neck. Somehow Phil was strong enough to carry him up the stairs. It was a miracle if Phil had ever seen one. Not that he exactly believed in miracles, but that was okay. If he ever wanted proof that miracles were real, he'd just call Dan. 

Tossing Dan on the bed, Phil climbed beside him. The two barely fit in the bed together but they made due. Dan sat up at the end of the bed and waited for Phil to lay down. Once he did Dan climbed on top of him and cuddled into him. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan's waist and ran his other hand through Dan's hair. Dan yawned again and laid his head on Phil's shoulder. He all but nuzzled the side of Phil's neck and hummed contently. 

"I love you," Dan mumbled quietly and reached and moved Phil's hand that was running through his hair. He held it and squeezed. 

Phil smiled softly and kissed Dan's forehead. "I love you too."

**September 17th, 2011**

The day had been slow up until now. Neither Dan or Phil had been doing much. Granted it was only noon, but they had lounged around until 11 and then slowly started to work on things. Phil was in his room answering emails and Dan was in the lounge playing Mario Kart. Phil was trying to work on some secret projects, so Dan didn’t want to interrupt him with anything. The two had been working a lot, and Dan tried to get Phil to take a break but it didn’t work. Phil worked himself to death a lot it seemed. 

Dan’s phone was in his room and unbeknownst to him, it was going off. He had the sound off so he wouldn’t be bothered. Plus he wasn’t feeling up to par and wanted to avoid as much contact with others as he could. Except for Phil, Phil was the exception funnily enough. 

Dan felt his stomach begin to growl and he rubbed his eyes. Pausing his game he went to the kitchen to see what they had. Opening the cupboards he saw there was nothing there. He sighed and went and knocked on Phil’s door.

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Phil said. His voice was muffled through the door. But it was also quiet anyways. 

Dan opened the door and walked in. Phil’s room was a mess, but that was also his fault. His clothes were tossed all over Phil’s floor, along with some of his things that he didn’t keep in his room anymore. Phil was sitting on his bed with his laptop on his lap. He had his glasses on and was wearing Dan’s university hoodie. To be honest, he and Dan wore the other’s more than their own, so it was like they swapped universities. 

Walking over Dan climbed onto the bed and sat, well straddled basically, the lower part of Phil’s legs. Phil didn’t look up from his screen for a moment and when he did he chuckled slightly and shook his head. He finished what he was doing quickly and sat his laptop to the side and Dan climbed up and laid on him. He was lighter than Phil still so Phil didn’t care when Dan did this. He wrapped his arms around Dan and Dan laid his head on his chest. 

“What’s up?” Phil asked. 

“‘M hungry,” Dan replied. 

Phil rolled his eyes and pushed Dan off of him. Dan laughed slightly and laid on his back and looked up at Phil. Typically Phil thought Dan was bummed out or just feeling low about something when he climbed on Phil like that. But sometimes it was just Dan being a cheeky little shit and Phil had accepted that. 

“Why’s it so cold in here?” Dan asked. 

Phil shrugged. “It was hot so I turned the air on. Plus the door was shut.” 

Dan nodded. “What do you want to eat then? I’m gonna go to Tesco.” 

“Uh... Mexican?” 

“Okay.” 

Dan sat up and kissed Phil. Phil didn’t hesitate to take any opportunities to forget the mess he was drowning in. He laid his hand on Dan’s cheek and hummed. He pouted when Dan pulled away and Phil leaned back onto his pillows. 

“I’m too hungry for whatever is going on in your mind,” Dan said. 

Phil just simply shrugged his shoulders again and reached for his laptop. Deciding to continue his break Phil opened twitter. Typically he’d just go through his notifications and reply to some fans. Which was the plan. Although when he went into his notifications and mentioned he was met with something that he wasn’t sure about. He furrowed his brow when he saw that he was being tagged in things about a video. 

“Did you upload a video?” Phil asked. 

Dan looked at him. “No?” He questioned. “Why?”

“I’m being tagged in a bunch of stuff about a video.” 

Dan moved to sit beside him and Phil went through his notifications quickly. He clicked on something that took him a tweet that said how they knew he and Dan were together. What? How did anyone know that? Maybe it was just speculation again, he and Dan were used to that. There was a link though in the tweet and he clicked on it. Dan was leaning into him and watching the screen. For some reason Phil’s palms were beginning to sweat, he didn’t know why. Their internet decided to slowly load the page and the moment was agonizing to Phil. 

His brow furrowed once again when he started to hear his own voice. It took a second to register what video was playing. Arwf, hi Dan. Dan looked at Phil, then turned his head to stare at the screen. Phil stared at it and saw that the view count was sitting at around fifteen thousand already. 

“Wh... why did you post that?” Dan asked coldly. 

Phil turned his head and looked at Dan. “I didn’t post anything, Dan.” 

“Obviously you did something!”

Dan climbed off the bed and paced back and forth in the room. Phil watched him for a moment before he sat his laptop to the side and stood up. He walked over and grabbed Dan’s wrist and made Dan stop in his tracks. He sighed and pulled Dan close to him. Dan just laid his head on Phil’s shoulder. There was no anger yet, well not much, from him. Phil rubbed Dan’s back. 

“It’ll be alright. We’ll just play it off.” 

Dan shrugged. There wasn’t much they could do was there? Who knows how long the video had been up for. And it was probably gaining views by the minute. 

“How can we do that Phil?” 

Phil sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed his phone. He scrolled through twitter quickly and read through some tweets. Dan started pacing again and Phil looked at him. He ushered Dan to sit down beside him but Dan didn’t want to. That video was public and it wasn’t supposed to be. It was something private that they shared last year. And still, continue to share. Dan didn’t want anyone to know about them. He didn’t want to have to explain things, brace for rejection, or whatever else would possibly come. 

“Others are having problems.” Phil didn’t look up from his phone, “YouTube is glitching or something.”

“Oh, great.” 

Dan walked out of his room and stormed to his own. Phil heard the door slam shut and he sighed. The emails that were waiting to be answered would haunt him, but this was more important he assumed. He really wouldn’t mind just coming out now. But he knew the world was a terrifying place. Especially for Dan in this state, and he didn’t want to jeopardize anything between them. It wasn’t worth it. They were slowly building their lives together. 

For the next couple of hours, he worked on getting the video taken down and trying to figure out a plan. They couldn’t say it wasn’t real, it came from his channel that is. So Phil wasn’t sure what they could do. Phil went and knocked on Dan’s door. There was no answer but he heard shuffled in the bed after a couple of minutes. Dan probably had fallen asleep from what Phil assumed was being under stress from this. Not that there was much yet to stress about on his end, but on Dan’s there was. 

Phil only knew a little bit behind Dan’s story so far. There was still a lot to unpack. And slowly they would get there, but Phil knew not to push about the topic. He wouldn’t want anyone prying him, so he was respecting Dan. It wouldn’t be anytime soon that anything happened. But one day. 

“Dan,” Phil said and opened the door gently. Dan was laying on the edge of his bed and had a blanket wrapped around him. Phil went over and carefully sat at the end of the bed, making sure he didn’t sit on Dan. 

Dan didn’t bother looking at Phil or even looking up from staring forward. He was worried and he didn’t understand how Phil wasn’t. 

“I got some of the videos taken down that were reposted and made the video private again,” Phil mumbled. He wanted Dan to answer him but this possibly wouldn’t be helping. 

It was silent. Phil was sure if he tried he’d be able to hear a pin drop and hit the floor. He pushed himself up off the bed and stood up. Dan still didn’t bother saying anything, so Phil walked out. He closed Dan’s door and went to the living room. Turning on the TV, Phil on some random anime he had watched with Dan before. Just something to keep his mind focused for now. Most times Dan was out here with him on the other sofa. But it was just himself this time and it was just a bit odd. 

Curling up on the sofa, Phil grabbed the blanket and throw pillow. Putting the pillow under his head, he covered himself with the blanket and rubbed his eyes. He tried to watch the show but slowly he started to feel his own eyes droop. Forcing them open, Phil eventually failed and fell asleep. 

There was a banging noise coming from the kitchen. Phil, in his hazy state, rubbed his eyes. He made a groaning noise and then heard it again and jumped up immediately. His heart started to pound and he assumed Dan was still in his room. So who was in their house? He couldn’t see because of his glasses falling off his face and onto the floor. His heart was racing and he quickly reached down to feel around for them. Managing to find them he nearly slipped forward and cursed under his breath. Putting them on quickly he looked over to see Dan standing there, looking through one of the cupboards. 

Phil sighed loudly and placed his hand on his heart. Which he could feel beating quickly. Dan happened to look over and saw Phil sitting there. He looked distressed and Dan instantly felt bad for it. 

“I.. sorry. Sorry.” Dan uttered quickly. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

Phil told him it was alright and calmed himself down. He got up and walked into the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar. Yawning, he felt Dan watching him and he looked up and tried to smile at him. Phil didn’t know how Dan was feeling, and he wasn’t sure if asking would do more damage than harm. 

Dan turned around and continued to dig through the cupboards. “I, um, I left a comment on Tumblr.” Phil raised his eyebrow. “I said it was gonna be a prank but we.. we decided not to do it.”

Phil sighed but nodded even though Dan wasn’t looking at him. He watched Dan stop moving however before he got up. Carefully though, he made his way to the kitchen and turned Dan to look at him. Dan’s eyes were glossing over. Phil laid his hand on his cheek and ran his thumb back and forth. Dan closed his eyes before bursting into tears. He brought his hands up and pushed Phil away. Covering his face he stood there and cried. 

Unsure of what to exactly do, Phil just stood there and hesitantly rubbed his back. He wasn’t sure why Dan was even crying, to begin with. There wasn’t a reason for him to be crying exactly was there? Maybe. This was huge and a bit stressful. But it would be alright, Phil knew it would be. It had to be. 

Dan eventually calmed down. It felt like he stood there sobbing forever. The underneath of his eyes was red and puffy. Swollen so to say. His cheeks were red as well. He just rubbed his eyes aggressively and made the tingling sensation worse. 

“Go... god damn it.” He cursed under his breath and went to the bathroom. Phil remained standing in the kitchen and sighed. 

Deciding that it may be best to just leave Dan alone Phil figured he’d make dinner. It was going on 8, and he was hungry. He dug through their cupboards to not find much there. They hadn’t gotten food yet from Tesco. He groaned and cursed at himself, he knew that there was something that they had forgotten to do. But he hadn’t been able to put his finger on it. Although, needing food should have been a big red flag in front of his face. 

He went to his room to grab his laptop. Dan was in his room shuffling around now. The door was closed and Phil stood there for a moment. He heard muffled talking before putting his ear to the door. 

“No mum… Yes. No, we’re not to.. no. We’re just friends.” Phil heard. He knew that Dan wasn’t exactly out to his parents yet. But he also knew that they only thought they were friends. It shouldn’t be upsetting, but part of him was hurt when he heard Dan say that. Logically, he knew Dan just didn’t want them to know. But it still hurt. Part of him though felt guilty for listening in on what was being said. “I’m not gay alright.” He heard Dan snap. Quickly that was followed by Dan apologizing. 

Phil stepped back and stared at Dan’s door. He never had heard Dan snap like that if someone asked if he was gay. Usually, Dan just said he wasn’t gay and brushed it off jokingly. This was a bit different. Phil was slightly worried about it. They could deal with it later though. It would be alright. 

**December 2011**

Christmas wasn’t far away now. A few months had passed since the video was leaked. Both Dan and Phil had done an alright job at avoiding everything to deal with it. Phil had every uploaded copy of it taken down; and if any more came up, he had those taken down as well. They had control of the situation, at least Phil thought. 

One thing that came from this though, was that over the last month or so, Dan became a bit more hostile with him. Dan avoided any sort of confrontation, both online and with Phil, that was dealing with that specific video. If anyone asked any sort of questions, he deflected it immediately. 

Phil tried to talk to him a couple of times, but it typically ended with Dan screaming at him. Sometimes it was him screaming that he wasn’t gay which was almost immediately followed by guilt when he saw the look on Phil’s face. Those nights Phil slept alone. Which just added onto the days when he did sleep alone. There wasn’t much they did together lately that wasn’t YouTube related. Phil liked those days. 

Those days he got to see Dan smile. Things seemed okay on those days, but Phil knew it was nothing more than a facade for their audience. Phil was filming a video here with Dan soon, they were just gonna do something simple and make Christmas cookies. They could do that. Dan never exactly answered him when Phil asked if he wanted to, he was just going to continue to assume that Dan would do it. Even when he didn’t get a straight answer, Dan joined him. 

He carried all of the filming equipment to the living room and set everything up. Rubbing his eyes, he sat on the floor and tried to film the intro. If he could get that filmed at least, then things would be okay. He could just relax until they filmed the actual content for the video. Dan was in his room Phil assumed. He hadn’t heard him leave, but Dan also was extremely quiet when he wanted to be. He quickly filmed it. Instantly he changed into this persona of himself and managed to fake everything. 

Immediately as he finished, he shut the camera off. Cleaning everything up he went and put the camera and tripod in the kitchen. Still not hearing Dan or seeing any signs of him, Phil went and knocked on his bedroom door. 

“Dan?”

Silence. 

“Dan?” Phil grabbed the doorknob. 

“What?” Dan said loudly. It sounded like he was snapping slightly and Phil winced. 

“Can.. can I come in?” He asked. 

Dan was silent. Phil then heard moving and shuffling. He could hear Dan’s footsteps as he walked. Phil stepped back when the door flung open and Dan stood there. Phil wanted to reach out and hug him. He wanted to kiss him and pray they would be okay. Dan just watched Phil. There were bags under his eyes and Phil wanted to draw him a bath and help him relax. When Dan had bags this bad under his eyes, it was mainly because he wasn’t sleeping. 

The two stood there. Dan raised his eyebrow and when Phil didn’t say anything to him. Figuring that this is all it would be, Dan went to close his door when Phil stopped him. Dan stared and rolled his eyes. 

“What Phil?” Dan asked. “What can you want now?” 

“I.. “ Phil started to say and he rubbed the back of his neck, “I wanted to know if you still were gonna film then. With me.” 

Dan stared at him. He didn’t want to. He wanted to hide away from the cameras. But he couldn’t. This was his job. Surely though Phil would understand if he didn’t want to. 

“Does it have to be now?’ Dan muttered. “Or can’t you just do it yourself? You’re good at that.” He snapped and slammed the door in Phil’s face. 

Phil stood there taken back quite a bit. He was face to face with Dan’s door now, but his stomach dropped and he wanted to just stand there and cry. Rubbing his eyes carefully, he went and laid on the couch. He laid there for what felt like forever and silently cried. 

He hated what he did. He regretted it. If he didn’t want to be romantic with Dan they wouldn’t be in this situation. Dan wouldn’t be pissed with him as he was. Phil wouldn’t be mad with himself. His entire body was shaking at this point. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop it. He was trying not to cry. But it was making every part of him ache. His throat and eyes were burning at this point. He couldn’t see from the tears blurring his eyes. 

Dan heard Phil sob and he lifted his head. He felt bad once he slammed the door but he didn't want to open it. He wanted Phil to just leave him alone for a little bit. He saw the video again today. The one that started this. Dan wanted to love it. But it brought more pain than smiles and it was a painful moment in time. They couldn’t say memory, as they were still living in this. He sat there for a while debating on what to do. 

Quietly, Dan climbed out of bed and went to the living room. He saw Phil laying on the couch. He must have stopped crying because at this point he was just lying there with his eyes closed. Biting his lip, Dan went and sat in front of the couch. He could hear Phil snoring, so thankfully that meant he fell asleep. Crossing his legs Dan ran his fingers through Phil’s hair and he sighed. He hated himself for how he was treating Phil. But he couldn’t help it. His first reaction was to fight over everything and to deny everything. 

Leaning forward, Dan kissed Phil’s forehead gently, which prompted no response from Phil and Dan was happy about that. He didn’t want Phil to wake up just yet. Dan rested his forehead against Phil’s. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered. “I’m sc.. I’m so scared Phil. But I don’t -“ he sighed. “I don’t mean what I’m saying. I promise.” 

  
  



End file.
